And the results are in. A grand total of two (2) people responded to my query regarding the definition of mmiv. This e-mail is the grand unveiling of the winner. Sadly, I could not find a copy of Canajan, Eh? Apparently, it is out of print. But these two shall get some appropriate prizes. First, I shall unveil my original definition:

mmiv - subordinate conjunction: The elision of the phrase "maybe if." The fricative "f" has been voiced into a "v," giving strength to the "if" aspect. The double "m" emphasizes the "may" over the "be," potentiality over reality. Thus, mmiv is a cautious, tentative "maybe if." For example, "Mmiv I had more endurance, I could eat a whole can of Spam® in one sitting," or "Mmiv Bill weren’t an idiot he could do Calculus."

Now for the runner up. This entry consisted of three possibilities, of which I have chosen one as the second-place winner. The other two possibilities were:

-the latest minivan model

-an American term for the slowed traffic on interstates at toll stations

But the second-place winner in the Mmiv Contest is: (imagine a quality pipe-band type snare drum roll) . . .

mmiv -- the specific staggering pattern of a drunken Russian after 5 shots of vodka [Ed: I would say more like after a bottle of vodka. Rumour has it that Russian blood is vodka. But I think you get the point.]

Congratulations to Leah Parker for sending in this entry! I have decided that you get a prize of some sort. I’ll try to make it very Canadian just for you!

And now, the moment you have all been waiting for these past weeks. The unveiling of our winning definition. (Now imagine a timpani drumroll) . . .

mmiv - The primary chieftan of the mmivari people of Southern Micronesia. The mmiv is elected from the body of tribal chiefs, the mmivi (singular miv), the extra m being an honourific applied to the group at large. The people of each tribe then are known as mivari, often with an additional short phoneme being added to the beginning to denote the specific tribe (eg. Tribe anamivari, Chief anamiv, etc.). The mivari language (mivril) reserves upper case letters for the gods (the MMIV), with each tribe having a patron deity (eg. ANAMIV).

The winning entry was submitted by Jesse Robertson. Congratulations, Jesse! You are both amusing and clever! Now I need the mailing addresses of the both of you!

-Matthew Hoskin